Raising Emotional regulation skills at 3, 4 and 5: what differs by age and what doesn't
Emotional regulation skills, like calming down, waiting, sticking with something hard, and sharing, differ by age: parents of 5-year-olds report many of them more often than parents of 3-year-olds, but not all of them. We analyzed the 2025 National Survey of Children's Health, in which parents of about 6,400 children ages 3 to 5 answered the same questions about everyday behavior. Some skills improve steadily with each year of age. Others barely change. And losing their temper most of the time is uncommon at every age.
Share of US children ages 3–5 whose parents say they do each thing always or most of the time, NSCH 2025, weighted. Source: U.S. Census Bureau and HRSA Maternal and Child Health Bureau, 2025 National Survey of Children's Health, topical public-use file; analysis by Raising Stoics · Public domain (U.S. Government work). Estimates are our own calculations; HRSA and the Census Bureau are not responsible for them. Chart: Raising Stoics — free to embed with credit.
What the data shows
- Some emotional regulation skills grow steadily between 3 and 5. Sharing toys or games "always or most of the time" rises from 61% at age 3 to 69% at 4 and 79% at 5. Keeping at a task when it's hard rises from 33% to 41% to 48%. Focusing on a task for a few minutes rises from 71% to 81% to 89%.
- Frequent difficulties are uncommon at every age. Only about 6% of children lose their temper always or most of the time, and 7–8% have trouble calming down that often, with no clear change from 3 to 5.
- Difficulty waiting for a turn "always or most of the time" is lower at 5 (8%) than at 3 and 4 (13% each).
- Not everything improves on a straight line. Difficulty switching from one activity to another is reported for 14–19% of children, with no steady decline between 3 and 5 in this one year of data.
What it means for parents
If your 4-year-old doesn't share easily or gives up quickly on hard things, that's very common at this age: at 4, about a third of children don't usually share and more than half don't usually keep going when something is hard. These skills grow with age and practice. What's less common is a child who loses their temper or can't calm down most of the time; if that's your child, it's worth a conversation with your pediatrician, not because something is necessarily wrong, but because support helps early.
What is emotional regulation?
Emotional regulation is the ability to notice a feeling and manage what you do with it: calming down after being upset, waiting when you want something now, staying with a task when it's frustrating, or recovering after a disappointment.
In young children, emotional regulation skills are closely tied to self-control and executive functioning skills, and they develop fast between about 3 and 7. They also depend heavily on adults. Young children regulate first with help, a calm adult nearby, and only gradually on their own.
Because these skills grow so quickly, a single age makes a big difference. A behavior that's typical at 3 may be less common at 5. That's what this data helps show.
Where the data comes from
The National Survey of Children's Health is a large federal survey of US households, run by the Census Bureau for the Health Resources and Services Administration. Parents of children under 6 are asked how often their child does a set of everyday things, from playing well with others to losing their temper.
These questions are part of a larger measure the survey uses to describe whether young children are "healthy and ready to learn." Published reports usually show combined scores for children 3 to 5. We went back to the public-use file and calculated each question separately for ages 3, 4, and 5, so parents can see how each skill looks at each age.
The answers are parents' reports, not observations, and each age group includes about 2,100 to 2,200 children. That's enough for reasonably precise estimates, but small differences between ages can still be noise, which is why every number in the table comes with a 95% confidence interval.
Skills that grow between 3 and 5
Three skills are reported more often at each older age in these single-year estimates. Sharing toys or games always or most of the time goes from 61% at 3 to 79% at 5. Focusing on a task for a few minutes goes from 71% to 89%. And keeping at a task even when it's hard goes from 33% to 48%.
That last one stands out. Even at 5, only about half of children (48%) are described as usually sticking with something difficult. Persistence is one of the skills still very much under construction in kindergarten.
Difficulty waiting for a turn is also lower at 5 (8%) than at 3 and 4 (13%).
Difficulties that are rare at every age
Parents of preschoolers often worry about tantrums (see our guide to 5-year-old tantrums). In this data, losing their temper always or most of the time is reported for about 6% of children at 3, 4, and 5 alike. Having trouble calming down that often is reported for 7–8%.
These numbers describe frequent problems, not occasional ones. Many more children lose their temper sometimes, which is a normal part of being 3, 4, or 5. The full table, which you can download, includes all five answer options: at 5, about 72% of parents say "sometimes" and 12% "never."
Difficulty switching from one activity to another, such as stopping play to get ready to leave, is a bit more common, reported for 14–19% of children, and doesn't decline steadily over these ages in a single year of data.
How to teach emotional regulation skills at home
The survey doesn't measure practice, but sharing, focus, and persistence are also skills many families work on in everyday play. Short games with turns build waiting. Puzzles that are just a little too hard, with an adult nearby, build persistence. Activities with a clear end, like finishing a drawing, build focus.
For calming down, the most useful thing is usually the adult's own calm: a low voice, getting down to the child's level, naming the feeling, and breathing slowly together. Our guide to coping skills for kids lists twelve concrete strategies for ages 4 to 7.
For transitions, warnings help: "Two more minutes, then shoes on." A visual timer or a simple routine chart makes the next step predictable.
And keep expectations in line with the data. At 4, a child who doesn't share easily or gives up on a hard puzzle is in very good company.
Show the data as a table
| Behavior and age | Always or most of the time | 95% confidence interval |
|---|---|---|
| Shares toys or games · age 3 | 60.8% | 56.5–65% |
| Shares toys or games · age 4 | 68.9% | 64.3–73.4% |
| Shares toys or games · age 5 | 79.3% | 75.9–82.6% |
| Can focus on a task for a few minutes · age 3 | 70.5% | 66.3–74.8% |
| Can focus on a task for a few minutes · age 4 | 81.3% | 77.3–85.2% |
| Can focus on a task for a few minutes · age 5 | 88.7% | 86.6–90.8% |
| Keeps working at a task even when it is hard · age 3 | 33.3% | 29.4–37.3% |
| Keeps working at a task even when it is hard · age 4 | 40.5% | 35.8–45.1% |
| Keeps working at a task even when it is hard · age 5 | 47.7% | 43.4–52.1% |
| Has difficulty waiting for their turn · age 3 | 12.9% | 9.8–15.9% |
| Has difficulty waiting for their turn · age 4 | 12.9% | 9.2–16.7% |
| Has difficulty waiting for their turn · age 5 | 8.4% | 6.3–10.5% |
| Has trouble calming down · age 3 | 7.1% | 5.1–9.2% |
| Has trouble calming down · age 4 | 7.5% | 5.4–9.5% |
| Has trouble calming down · age 5 | 8.1% | 5.8–10.4% |
| Loses their temper · age 3 | 6% | 4.1–7.8% |
| Loses their temper · age 4 | 5.4% | 3.5–7.3% |
| Loses their temper · age 5 | 5.9% | 3.9–7.8% |
Source and method
Source: U.S. Census Bureau and HRSA Maternal and Child Health Bureau, 2025 National Survey of Children's Health, topical public-use file; analysis by Raising Stoics. License: Public domain (U.S. Government work). Estimates are our own calculations; HRSA and the Census Bureau are not responsible for them.
Survey question: "How often does this child …?" asked of parents of children ages 0–5 (topical questionnaire T1), with answers Always, Most of the time, About half the time, Sometimes, Never. We show Always + Most of the time.
We used the 2025 NSCH topical public-use file (Stata version) from the U.S. Census Bureau and kept children ages 3, 4, and 5 (SC_AGE_YEARS). For each question we calculated the weighted share answering Always or Most of the time, using the child weight FWC, among children with a valid answer. 95% confidence intervals use Taylor linearization with strata defined by state and sampling stratum and the household as the sampling unit. Unweighted sample sizes are 2,060–2,230 children per age and question. For TEMPER and CALMDOWN we used the recoded variables TEMPER_R and CALMDOWN_R provided in the file. Single-year estimates have wide intervals; differences of a few points between ages may not be meaningful.
FAQ
What is emotional regulation?
Emotional regulation is the ability to notice a feeling and manage how you respond to it: calming down, waiting, staying with something frustrating, or recovering from disappointment. In young children it develops quickly between ages 3 and 7 and depends a lot on calm support from adults.
What emotional regulation skills should a 5-year-old have?
In 2025 US survey data, most 5-year-olds usually play well with others (92%), share toys (79%), and can focus on a task for a few minutes (89%). About half usually keep working when something is hard (48%), so persistence is still developing. Frequent temper loss is uncommon, about 6%.
Is it normal for a 4-year-old to lose their temper?
Losing their temper sometimes is a normal part of being 4. Losing it always or most of the time is less common: parents report it for about 6% of 4-year-olds in the 2025 National Survey of Children's Health. If it happens most of the time, talk to your pediatrician.
How do you teach emotional regulation to children?
Stay calm yourself, name the feeling, and help your child calm down with you before expecting them to do it alone. Practice skills like breathing, waiting, and trying again on calm days, through games. Keep routines predictable and give warnings before transitions.
Why is emotional regulation important?
Emotional regulation is linked to how well children learn, get along with peers, and cope with frustration. Skills like waiting, focusing, and sticking with something hard make classroom learning easier, and calming down after upset makes play and friendships go more smoothly.
The course works on exactly these everyday skills at ages 5–6: the Pause Button for calming down, Boss of My Want for waiting, and Not Yet for sticking with something hard.
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